如果琳离去后再没有回归

asf322313

　　守望爱情的女人，我该怎样面对你
　　在经过一段刻骨铭心撕心裂肺的恋爱后，我对爱情失去了感觉。看到周围的朋友同事纷纷筑起小巢，我也想有个家。于是在同事的介绍下我与欣认识了。
　　欣，在一家国有企业当技术员，长得一般，身材娇小，脸色也不太好，看上去有点病恹恹的样子。她苍白的脸上却时常挂着暖人的微笑，这使我有家一样的温暖。我厌倦了漂泊，只是想有一个女人，一个与自己组建家庭的女人，尽管这与爱无关。
　　欣常常坐在我身边，握住我的手，听我说话，非常痴迷地倾听，那种眼神里满是崇拜。自从那个骄傲的琳离开之后，再没有人这样认真地倾听过我内心的想法，我也从没有与人认真交流过。从早到晚我都俯身在实验室里与量子、质子这些微观颗粒一起做有规则的运动。直到一年后，我的博士论文答辩结束，学院里的同事看到我憔悴的样子，才硬拉我来与欣相亲。
　　同事的姐姐与欣家是邻居。
　　欣家里只有她和她生病的母亲，生活很是贫困。她家里唯一值钱的东西就是这座位于繁华闹市里不太大的房子。就在这个不太大的房里，我第一次感受到家的温暖，第一次强烈地想要有个女人与我成家过日子的渴望。也就是在这个不太大的房子里，我第一次亲吻了红着脸的欣，第一次触摸了她光洁的肌肤，成为她生命中的第一个男人。
　　那些日子是我一生中最快乐最幸福的日子。每天我都会在放学后去那间不太大的房子里，与欣抱在一起烤着火炉吃她做的火锅。饭后，搂抱着她一起看窗外飘落的雪花。
　　沈阳的冬天很冷也很长。一天，我拉着欣的手在沈阳的大街上闲逛，在路过沈河区婚姻登记站时，看很多对青年男女拿着结婚证非常幸福地从里面出来。欣羡慕地看着人家，一动不动。
　　我对欣说："想结婚吗?"欣微微一颤，望着我的眼睛，说想。雪下得很大，一片一片落在欣的脸上、额头上，又一片片消融。我将欣搂在怀里，说欣我们结婚吧。那一刻，我居然泪流满面。是经过很长一段爱情的跋涉，经过太多的坎坷对家的渴望，还是就想找个女人结婚，过一种平平淡淡的日子?我不知道。那一刻我只是想哭。曾几何时，我与琳已走近了婚姻的殿堂，可她却抽身离去。曾相约，在我博士毕业后就结婚，可现在她却在一个陌生遥远的国度里躺在一个外国老男人的怀里。我向她求婚那天，也是在这个结婚登记站的门口，她很神圣地对我说，"今生我一定要做你的妻子。"那天也下着大雪。我爱欣吗?我不知道。为什么要和她结婚?我也不知道。自从答应与欣结婚以来，我一直在想着琳，莫名其妙地想她。我一直在问自己这个问题，我爱欣吗?我为什么要和她结婚?可是没有答案，我只是感觉到她能给我家一样的温暖。
　　在领结婚证的那个晚上，看到欣在我身边沉沉地睡去，像个孩子般那样安详，睡梦里还幸福地笑着。我叹了口气，眼前晃来晃去的却是琳的身影。我知道认识不到五个月的欣与相恋五年的琳是不能相比的，尽管琳是那样地伤害过我。
　　如果琳离去后再没有回归，我和欣的生活也将会平平淡淡地过下去。可她偏偏就在我与欣领完结婚证后的第二天，出现在我的面前。
　　那天，我正在上课，教研室的老师喊我说，有人找你。我走出教室，一转身，发现琳站在我身边。她还是那样的美丽绝伦，气质非凡，只是消瘦了许多，眼神里充满了忧郁。我冷冷地说："小姐，找我有事吗?是不是认错人了?"琳看着我，嘴唇颤抖着，泪水在眼眶里闪现，摇摇头转身就走。在琳的面前，我从来都是貌似强大，实则软弱。在她将在走廊尽头快消失时，我追了过去，到现在也不知道我为什么会这样做。
　　她跟着我到了宿舍，痛哭了一场。她告诉我，她离开我去德国，是因为那个德国老男人能让她出国，这是她这辈子的梦想。她不想因为与我的感情放弃她的梦想，她一直是这样。
　　"我告诉过你，我在德国站稳脚跟就来接你。"琳确实对我说过这样的话，但我不想她以这种方式来接我去德国。"现在我来接你了。"说完，她就把德国一家学院的邀请函放在我的桌上。"现在你拿着它去办护照就行了，这个学院会为你提供全额奖学金的。"
　　傍晚，我打电话告诉欣，说学院里有事，不回去了。这是我第一次给欣撒谎。当夜，在琳下塌的宾馆里，我拥着琳的胴体再次与琳缠绵时，竟然很快乐。完完全全把欣给忘记了。
　　我思考着下一步的打算：是和琳飞到德国在那里过着富足的生活，还是留在国内与欣过着平淡的日子?琳已与那个德国老男人离了婚，也得到了一大笔财产。
　　第二天回到欣的家里，欣很欣喜地拥着我说："你昨夜去了哪儿，我给你打了好几遍电话你也不接，担心死我了。"她把刚煮熟的饺子端上来，是我最爱吃的酸菜馅饺子。"欣，我想和你说件事儿。""呵，说吧。我也有事儿要和你说呢。"欣很高兴也很羞涩。"我想去德国，那儿的一个学院给我寄来邀请函了，请我去那儿学习。"我编了个骗她的理由。
　　"康，这是好事儿啊。嗯，去那儿可不可以带家属，我也去。"在欣的眼里，我们早是一家人了。她也确实是我法律上的妻子。看到我很严肃地瞪着她，她连忙伸伸舌头，说是和我闹着玩儿的。
　　"康，我也有一件重要的事儿想告诉你。"欣脸上全是红晕。"什么事儿?"我问。"我怀孕了。"欣低着头，像所有幸福的女人那样羞涩，苍白的脸上又飞起了红晕。
　　"你想怎么办?"她的话好像是一个晴天霹雳完全把我震惊了，好长时间才缓过来劲儿。
　　"我想把他生下来，我想有个属于我们两人的孩子。"
　　"打了吧，去德国不知道什么时候才能回来。学院规定，结过婚的不能去。"我把已编排好的理由告诉了欣。欣的脸突然变得很苍白。"结了婚怎么就不能去了?"她问，声音有些颤抖。
　　之后，欣再也没有说话，默默地吃饭，默默地收拾完碗筷，像以往那样把我的袜子洗净，晾在暖气上。然后像一个无助的小猫一样蜷缩在我怀里默默地流泪。
　　"欣，别难过了，要不我就不去了。"看到欣无声地哭泣，我心里很难受，竭力想安慰她，却又找不到理由。
　　"为什么?怎么又不去了?"欣抬起头问我。"嗯，是这样......"我继续搜集着理由，编排着谎言。"那个学校不提供奖学金，嗯，所以我就去不了了。"我撒着谎说。"你是说，去那儿没有学费就不去了?"欣问。"嗯。"我想先把欣安慰住，把结婚手续解除了，然后再给她解释。这样对她的伤害也许会少一些。
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